Member-only story
Ubiquitous Terror
Life with CPTSD
It’s about Halloween time. But this isn’t fantasy or folklore. This is everyday fucking life.
I write this for myself. But if you want to read it, that’s fine. But, of late, I have found life to be terrifying. Every day, sometimes often throughout the day, there are moments that I am faced with a embodied sense of terror. Not fear. Terror.
It’s the moment I see my ex’s car whipping around a curve and headed toward me in his little Ford C-Max…and there is nowhere to turn. So I have to face him, trying to look anywhere except where I’m headed. “I don’t want to see his ugly face. I can’t see his ugly face!”
I need a shower when I get home to get the “itchy” off. I shower with the hottest water I can handle.
It’s the moment I check my calendar and find that I have a dermatologist appointment next Monday. After 4 appointments last year, two of them leaving me with deep doubts as to my resources to deal with the skin cancer she is predicting I’ve got.
I need a walk to get this adrenaline out of my system. So I walk. 18,000 steps today.
It’s the moment I realize that I cannot get my blood pressure under control anymore when there is anything like a doctor around. After last years HPV diagnosis, a pap smear will never be the same again. I…
