Reprogramming Myself Series

The Dreams I Don’t Dare To Dream

Letting go in order to find peace with reality

Christina Sophia
4 min readMay 26, 2022
Photo by Илья Мельниченко on Unsplash

I hate this topic. It’s quite a trigger because real life usually sucks. Real life is hard work, complicated by sucky human issues like health issues, partner and children issues, and “stuff” ownership issues.

The dream doesn’t suck. The dream is where we know we could come alive, truly alive. The dream is a place we may or may not have come close to at some point. And no matter how hard we try to kill it, it’s still inside us, hidden under great-grandma’s heavy, ancient, and musty quilt.

The man I am with asked me this morning to tell me what I dreamt of…what my best life would look like. But I had no words for him. I still might not. Because of this:

I was once married to a dreamer. He was a California boy who did little else but dream. He talked his dreams through and through. And that’s where they all stayed. He would even get to the end of some…being offered a job by the CIA, and he would turn it down. This sort of thing became normal for me.

My dreams, however, were not something that I could enact. The most glorious dream was to become an opera singer. But after marrying at age 19, I realized, too late, that I was not going to be able to do that and fulfill the requisite roles of wife and mother. I gave up that dream. But it still haunts me, every day.

Other dreams were simpler: to own a restaurant, spend time training chefs and bakers, and work in the restaurant garden and greenhouse. I feel like I was made for that as well. I love mentoring and working with people and I need plants.

When other people my age were watching sitcoms and movies in their teens and twenties, I was watching Food Network and reading Marth Stewart Living, along with my multitude of cookbooks. I read them like novels, front to back. Those were beautiful days.

That dream morphed into something even less sustainable and completely unattainable. I dreamt of an inn. I wanted a place to raise my kids with people from all over the world. I place I could wake up and prepare gorgeous food for strangers, sit with them and my kids, and talk to them and learn from them. I…

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Christina Sophia

Exploring my relationship with myself, others and the gods of my childhood. Its all up for grabs. Feeling my way forward everyday.