Stuart, I like what you are saying here, but want to add a warning:

Please don't use this "my wife has unresolved trauma" thing to place any more pressure on a person to change, and be what you want them to be. You married her. You likely have unresolved traumas as well. Most of us do, frankly. Women just use their words to try to work them out, or express them. Men will often run them away, drink them away, or escape in any other way possible. Be careful as you grant regular, normal men the power to coach or guide their wives, who are far more complex emotionally than they are. I expect you are doing good work. I do not mean to demean that. Just thought this as I read through. Thanks for this!