So much of this is resonating in me. The incessant ups and down, never knowing what he would come at me with, the outward charisma, but the victim at home, the "your mom is the smartest woman I know", but only to be made to feel stupid every time I had an idea that wasn't totally in line with his.

Near the end of our marriage, I started to see what was going on, and that my co-dependency had enabled every bad behavior in him. I told him that I was done riding his roller coaster, done with having to try to fix his life, and listen to his victim stories. He was a grown-ass man, with 3 degrees, all the connections, white, male, etc, etc.. I retired from that and he became someone who would rage at me without any warning. That was the last sign I needed that I was going the right direction. Thanks for your words!