Member-only story
Overwhelm and Self-Sabotage
The Mid-Life of a Mom
I’d like to say that I have a pretty good grip on myself, how I think, and how I move in the world. I don’t know about you, but in some ways, it all feels like a hoax…like I am pretending. Then I wonder, “Does everyone have imposter syndrome as I do? Does everyone feel like they are faking it?”
I am working on a big project for school, that, if all goes well, will help me land the first “real” job I’ve ever had. I’ve had a million jobs, most of which were under-the-table sorts…the kinds you have when you are a homeschooling mom of 4. I’ve worked in factories for summers, cleaned houses, nannied children, sold baked good, and taught hundreds of children how to play instruments.
I’m terrified of “real” jobs, though. And I refuse to take a “real” job that makes me show up, in person, every day…anywhere. That is not going to work for me. I am too old to give that much time to someone else. I did that during a marriage for almost 28 years and got nothing out of it. Learned that lesson…check!
Regardless, the fears that I have are not all logical, but some are. I love being home. I feel safe at home. I feel safe where I can hear my birds outside and take time to sit in the sunshine when it dares to peak out. I feel like I have some control in my life when I can take a break and go on a run…
