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Hidden Traumas, Revealed
…this is why middle-aged relationships are so hard
Notes to Self, April 11th:
At the age of 47, I am still feeling like a nuisance. I felt like a bother as a child when I had needs, so I made myself as small as possible, became as self-reliant as I could, and did everything to make life easier for everyone in every way that I could manage. And now, after 28 years of being married (3 years separated and now, finally divorced), that feeling has followed me. I still feel like a nuisance.
I have heard too many times that I cost too much, that I needed to figure out how to live within my means, (living under the poverty level) that I need to somehow, someway, stop needing so much. I have seen the look in a man’s eyes when I have to ask for money. I have seen the eye rolls when the washing machine breaks or the computer needs replacing, yet again. I can still see it. I have heard the cursing and swearing, the bitching and complaining from the basement as I manage the house upstairs, clean up dinner, and do the long bedtime routine with kids.
In the good ‘ole days, I was quite independent. But, five very dramatic, death-defying pregnancies and 20 years of my ex’s schooling took their toll on my body. And it is tired. My soul is tired. And the feelings of being dependent, being a nuisance, and a…
